Unmet Dreams

A Poem

I wrote this poem in 2022. This is a meditation on loss and change.

Chronic pain changed my life. Before my injury, I was ambitious and had many goals and dreams. I was fired up and ready to grind my way to partner at a Big Four firm. I admired my childhood gymnastics coach who could do elegant, powerful tumbling passes well into her forties. I always thought if I stayed in shape and kept my skills up, I could be like her. Growing up in Hawaiʻi, I loved surfing and hiking and planned on being one of those aunties who catches a dawn patrol sesh before going to work. These dreams are mostly unfeasible now, and I’ve been forced to modify them or give them up.

It’s all felt somewhat like a break-up. A break-up with who I once was and who I was on my way to becoming. The Lindsey I always imagined and planned for myself. We all must alter our plans, that’s just life. I had some room for flexibility within that plan, but I don’t think most people envision themselves tied down by chronic pain in their twenties. I always imagined that one day I’d be a working mom, picking up her kids after a full day of work and doing errands with a baby strapped to my back. Because of my injury, I no longer have the energy capacity to sustain a full-time work schedule. And carrying a child for more than 15 minutes will require years of physical therapy to get there. I’ve had to…